So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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