Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
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The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
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You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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