Will you blow on my dice?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
