Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize