i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
