saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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