I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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