how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
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I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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