Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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