please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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