She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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