wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
