i permit you to call me
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
