Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
