Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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