sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
