ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize