pop tarts are not kleenex
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
