I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
