Banned from zoo.
Again?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
