This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
NoShamevember. You game?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
