I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
