just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
