Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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