You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
