she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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