I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Is it penis luge time yet?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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