Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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