I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
