So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
