I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
