im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
