Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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