I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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