so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
