I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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