god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
