She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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