I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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