I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
