I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
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Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!