Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
nutella sex= disaster
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.