At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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