Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I did not marry a roomba.
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