if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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