Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
