omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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