Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
