Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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