Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
