he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
