as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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