Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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