I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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