i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just sucked dick on a ferry
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
