i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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